How can we be
coping with death?

It feels impossible right after a death has happened.

When life stops for another, it stops for us too. Especially for one who we have felt close to. All the little habits we are so used to, stop. All the ways to touch another and feel touched, stop. All the plans we made, stop.

They all stop.

Then we get busy with the funeral, the memorial, the celebration of life, the sharing circle. We stay busy cleaning out a room, an apartment, a house, a life.

We are still busy dealing with paper work for banks, doctors, insurances, social security. We fill out forms. We make phone calls. We send emails. We write thank you cards. WE make more phone calls.

Then all that busyness is finally over. Now what?

We wish we were still busy. It hurts so much. We cry so much. There is so much emptiness. Emptiness in the midst of life happening as usual - for others. But not for us. We are grieving.

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Stages of Grief

What if Grieving is a Form of Loving?

They say it is harder when there is an accident or an unexpected heart attack. When our loved ones die suddenly.

Does it matter?

Coping with death still hurts. And most of the time it hurts for a long time. And even longer.

They say why don't you get over it? Why don't you get on with your life? They say why are you still grieving? It has been so long? They say why don't you snap out of it and be done with it?

I don't believe there is any getting over it. There is no such thing. I don't believe there is any snapping out of it. There is no being done with it.

All there is taking the time to grieve. Really. Making time for greiving. Allowing grief to do its work.

What if grieving someone's death is just another form of loving them? Why would we stop loving them all of a sudden and get over it? Why would we snap out of loving and be done with it?

Just because our loved ones died, does not mean we stop loving them. We don't have to stop loving them. We never have to stop loving them.

Maybe we find out that our loving changes over time.

Maybe our hearts get bigger. Maybe we find more to love.

Maybe there is more loving.

Time

Some of them work for me. Some of them don't work for me. Some of them work for you. Some of them don't work for you.

I found that the most important element is time.

It takes time.

It takes time to adjust to the absence of a loved one.

It takes time for all the little reminders to fade away. All the things that remind us of the loss. The daily habits. The quirky habits. Even the annoying habits.

It takes time to let go of all the plans we had together. So many plans, so many things we still have not done together. All the things we saved for later. We thought we had so much time.

It takes time to find out that our well of tears is running dry. It is amazing how many tears our eyes can cry. Sometimes even a year later something reminds us of a loved one, and here we go again.

It takes time to say good bye. There are so many good byes when we love someone and they leave us. Small good beys and big good byes. Harder ones and easier ones. Slow ones. Quick ones. They are all good byes.

They all take their time. It takes time, this coping with death. It takes time.

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