How do we survive the death of a spouse?

We meet. We fall in love. After a while we decide to share our lives. We spend a number of years working out the kinks. Maybe a large number of years. Together we build a house, a career, a family, a social life.

We make plans. We grow close, very close. We finish each others sentences.

We grow apart. We come close again.

We love each other and know ourselves loved.

All of a sudden, or a long time coming, all of that "we" is over. A partner in so many aspects of our lives has died. The death of a spouse leaves us feeling like only half a person.

What now?

Peter and Lisa's Story

They moved into an upscale retirement community. Peter got involved in the theater community providing lighting skills as a volunteer. They made plans for traveling. He put himself on a strict diet and an exercise regimen to loose quite a bit of weight. It was time for a new life.

A few weeks before Christmas, Peter went to see the doctor for some insistent stomach pains. A number of tests were performed with surprising results: Peter had inoperable endstage colon cancer.

He was given 2 weeks to live.

Two weeks.

He felt angry. He felt betrayed by whatever or whoever was running his particular show. He ate all the chocolates and candy well meaning friends brought over as Christmas gifts. He gained weight and did not care.

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Two weeks went by.

Three weeks went by. He got weaker.

Four weeks went by. He stayed in bed all the time. He jokingly said :"Leave it to a computer programmer not to keep to a deadline."

Five weeks went by and I was hired in as a caregiver over the New Year's weekend to help with medications and to support his wife. Lisa had felt afraid of death, and did not want to be alone with Peter when his time came to die.

I arrived at 11 AM in the morning. Peter was in the hospital bed, breathing slowly, eyes closed, not connecting. Ever so often he would open his eyes and look up towards the ceiling. Then he would raise his arms reaching for something invisible up there.

His breath slowed down more. And more.

Finally his body just stopped breathing at 2:22 PM. Just like that.

Afterward Lisa felt relieved that Peter's death had been so gentle. As hard as the death of a spouse was for her, she had lost her fear of death and openly talked about that to friends and family members.

Below is a poem I wrote while sitting with Peter in his last hour:

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